


are you with me?

by glitter_blood (iruku_angel)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow To Update, Swearing, changki, changkyun commits suicide, depressed!kihyun, kihyuk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-04-24 11:11:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14354268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iruku_angel/pseuds/glitter_blood
Summary: changkyun and kihyun were boyfriends but changkyun was pretty depressed, so he committed suicide. kihyun wasn't fine since that day, and everything started to change.





	1. one?

Kihyun just remembered the day of the death of his so beloved boyfriend. he loved him so much, so so much, but now he was left alone.

he remembered the terrible moment every time he was staring at the cliff where Changkyun jumped to his death, he wasn't okay, he still loved Kihyun, but he didn't want to make him feel _safe_. He wanted the best for him, but he thought that he wasn't the best for him.

Changkyun was frustrated with his life, even when Kihyun used all his energy just to make him feel that he still had people that loved him, but Changkyun couldn't hear all the time Kihyun was begging him to stay with him, he only could hear the voice inside his head repeating the same phrase all the time:  _you aren't worth it, Changkyun, you only deserve to die._

Changkyun could not stand the voice anymore. he decided to end his life by throwing himself off a cliff, he didn't told Kihyun, but the other could definitely see what the other was going through.

Changkyun entered his studio one more time, and he decided to record a short song for Kihyun before he passes away. he had the lyrics ready anyway; and he did not want to waste them, he also wanted to give a small note to his lover, to remind him the good times that would end soon.

_Thank you._

_I'll say goodbye soon..._

_though it's the end of the world,_

_don't blame yourself... now_

_and if it's true_

_i will surround you_

_and give life to a world_

_that's our own._

Changkyun cried a little afterwards, he would really miss him. Kihyun wanted to help him, but he denied every single appreciation that he gave him, _what kind of person am i?_ he thought, before leaving the small room after hours of trying.

\-----------

Kihyun was inside his room, doing nothing actually. He was just looking outside through the only window of the place, he was alone, he couldn't do anything about it, right? he could invite his friends to his house, he didn't have to care much specially when he was living alone, well, not alone, with Changkyun, but he wasn't with him.

Kihyun heard door knocks, so he went to see who it was. It was Changkyun, afortunately. he received the mentioned boy with hug and akiss on the cheek, Kihyun was really excited to see him.

-"Changkyun! where have you been? i missed you so much! Are you okay?" Kihyun was on eomma mode when he saw the boy all messed up.

-"nothing, really... i just wanted to give you this so you can remember me when i go." Changkyun shut his mouth as he indirectly told his boyfriend that he would die.

-"oh my god, Changkyun! don't tell me you-" Kihyun was shaking he was almost fainting, but Changkyun was fast enough so he kissed him so he would chill at least a little.

Kihyun was shocked, and he got even worse when he saw the other biting his lip as he was looking at him in a way that would make him lose his sanity in every moment.

-"please don't worry about me, Kihyun. it's not your fault, i just-"

-"no! Changkyun! you are the last thing i have! i want you to be okay! i can die for you! i can be your servant! i can be whatever _you_ want... ugh! Changkyun?"

Changkyun never stopped looking at his beloved one in his eyes, but he only hummed because he couldn't really say anything.

-"i want you to love me the most you can before you go. since i'm your boyfriend, i respect every decision you make. even this one. but before you go, i want to do things we've never done before." Kihyun said seriously, he really meant it. but he saw the younger, he was sobbing, he was wrecked, he wanted to help, he wanted to _stay._

"Changkyun, are you okay? i'm sorry! i just let myself go! just stay with me!"

-"you said it: you respect every decision i make. so let me go Kihyunnie. we are going to see soon..." Changkyun now had his eyes looking to the ground, while Kihyun was crying hard. he was hurt.

Changkyun left afterwards, leaving a cd with the song in it.

\------------

Kihyun was in his room, he hasn't got out of there since Changkyun left him forever, he was in one of his boyfriend's oversized hoodies he used to like, his eyes red and swollen for crying so much and a cup of tea for something sweet.

he didn't call his friends as he used to, but he noticed that his phone was buzzing, so someone was calling him.

-"hello?"

**-"Kihyun? what happened?"**

-"i don't want to talk right now..."

**-"can i go to your house so we can talk?"**

-"y-yes..."

**-"okay, so see you there! please don't hurt yourself!"**

Kihyun had an idea when he said hurt yourself, so he walked out of his bed and looked for a blade on the bathroom quickly.

Kihyun stared at it for a moment. he really had to do it? his mind said _yes_. so he began passing the blade on his arm, leaving marks that soon began to bleed. he was worried for a moment, but he felt good after.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kihyun was waiting for his friend, but he only could think of changkyun.

Kihyun's blood was on his hands, on his arms, on his wounds, and on the floor. he panicked right away, so he grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned everything as he could. Kihyun was almost a compulsive cleanser, he sometimes had small panic attacks when he went to Changkyun's house, which wasn't so clean to say the least. but cleaning had a soothing effect on Kihyun apparently, his apartment is clean and tidy, nothing out of place. but the thing is, bleeding might also have a soothing effect on him.

he chuckled a little, he's now a lunatic, right? he thinks that Changkyun is still with him, near him, he felt his  _presence._

 _hahaha! i would like to see him next to me, but i can't! because everything is my fault, isn't it? he died, he won't be here again and if he finds me, he would want me to take his place, forever! hahaha!_ Kihyun's now delirious, he won't stand it for long.

as soon as Kihyun hears the doorbell, he stops torturing himself mentally and goes quickly to see who it is. he asked who is it, and unsurprisingly, it was Minhyuk, why? because he called Kihyun and said he would visit him!

-"Kihyun! hi! haven't seen you for a- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU KIHYUN??! oh my gosh, look at you! are you fine?" Minhyuk passed from being happy to being really preocupied, he almost ran to the other boy, cupped his face with both hands, and checked if everything was okay, but the other boy was feeling so blue that he couldn't care less of his physical state.

-"i'm okay Minhyuk... i'm just feeling blue today..."

-"what happened? where's Changkyun? why isn't-" Kihyun placed one of his fingers on Minhyuk's lips, so he can't talk more. Kihyun is facing him, looking directly at his eyes, not moving away his sight no matter what happens at the world around him.

-"C-Changkyun... is dead. Minhyuk, he won't come back... that's the reason why i am like this! i couldn't do anything to avoid it and now he's gone..." Minhyuk was frozen, he was, _afraid._ he had no idea of what happened and now all the things come at once, trampling him. on the other hand, Kihyun was sobbing, he might go the same way that Changkyun and maybe worse.

Kihyun's finger was still on the same place, his eyes were traveling on his mind, trying to tell a whole story with his eyes. Minhyuk, meanwhile, was still looking at the soulless boy, he didn't noticed how blushed he was at the moment; he thought he was absolutely perfect, but he felt pain in his heart everytime he saw Kihyun with Changkyun, but now, that was over.

Kihyun gave all his energy and appreciation to Changkyun, but the other couldn't hear him, so Minhyuk just thought:  _what the hell he was doing then? if he was all-in for him why does he didn't appreciate it? now, i guess is my turn to prove him he's perfect._

Minhyuk cupped the other's face with both hands, while Kihyun closed his eyes slowly, he felt his face burning, and he only put his hands on his face and turned his face a little, he was kinda enjoying it. their faces were still serious, but they felt as their souls would burst out of their bodies. they felt fine.

the elder approached his face to Kihyun's, feeling how their breaths mixed together, feeling how they melted slowly together.

-"ahh, Minhyuk, thank you. i stop worrying for a while, i think i'm happy now." Kihyun said with a litle smile on his face, making the other smile fondly.

-"it was nothing, really. i just wanted to see you happy." Kihyun laughed a little, and Minhyuk felt his heart almost burst out of his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oH MAMA GOSH i am feeling weird... cause... damn. it's so weird. everything is changing, i am changing. but that doesn't make me stop writing, right? i feel exhausted rn... feel me? ugh i should stop before i make you vomit byeeee


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i just updated this??? amazing and i'm sorry for making you wait, but i didn't felt like updating this for a long time. i just, didn't have any ideas for the third chapter, but now i might do something. ever since i made this, i guarantee you this is horrible, i don't know what i'm doing, and i'll be repetitive af with words ughhhhh
> 
> so nah,,, this is kinda angsty but also a little bit fluffy,,, and has cute shit, and sarcasm, and it's short, but it's still something, right?

"but, i still feel... weird." he said again, taking all the happiness out of the elder's body. "weird? like... how exactly?" he thanked god he didn't stutter, and also he was trying his best to avoid talking too seriously or be really panicked, feelings are like illnesses, you can spread them and then you're sick with the feeling. it's that easy. Minhyuk was so, so, but so close to fainting, but the more he daydreams- well, not daydream, it's more of a nightmare than a dream-, the worse he felt emotionally for the other, since all his dreams are about him. sometimes he hates the shorter, but then he loves him even more, and it's like an infinite loop.

"well, weird in terms of feeling extremely horrible, wanting to vomit everything out, or just kill someone to peace myself out. wait, did i actually describe how i feel right now? no, i fucking didn't." wow, the elder was amazed with the sudden sarcasm coming out of the boy. well, he was already sarcastic since a long time ago but, he used a  _i'm_   _dead inside and want people to fucking know it but act normal_ type of sarcasm. _**(a.n.: never heard of it? well, that's the one i use commonly, it's the best one, for me.)**_

"Kihyun, what's up? do you want to seat down and talk a bit?" Minhyuk was already _afraid_ of the new Kihyun. if he had a wish, it would have been that Kihyun would be the same as before. but that would never come back, he was like this because he _lost_  someone. he kind of wants Changkyun back, but not as the younger's boyfriend. "no, i want _him_ back." inmediately after he finished the sentence, he began crying hard and sobbing, he really wanted him back. "a-also, i-i w-want t-to c-cuddle. or m-maybe a h-hug..." he claimed again, and Minhyuk wanted to be close to him, as he already was, but even closer to the young man. he opted for the first option, taking the crying man to his room so that he is comfortable. the afternoon was cold, or it was just their imagination. who knows, it might just be cold and no one even notice it, they were accustomed to the weather, so it would be normal even if it was really cold, maybe snowing. walking slowly to the room, not saying a single word, both of them drowned again in an ocean of random thoughts. at their arriving, Kihyun sat almost immediately on his bed, breathing deeply, mouth shut, as well as the other did, except for seating, until the younger gestured him to sit next to him; and as he did so, he softly mumbled to his ear: "hug me, i need _contact_ right now."  and his voice sent a shiver down the elder's spine, but it felt so good, he wanted to hear him more. he obeyed to his order, since it _clearly_ wasn't a favor.

Minhyuk tried to get to the younger as gentle as possible, like if he was the most sensitive and fragile thing that ever existed in the whole world. obviously, Kihyun is a 24 year old man, and Minhyuk tried to be gentle, but without the other noticing, so he wouldn't feel weird... but the normal weird, of course. "i hope you get better... soon..." the elder mumbled to Kihyun, who didn't gave a _fuck_ about what was he saying, but still asked him though; the taller man said it wasn't something to care about, but then hesitated to say the rest, but he couldn't say the words "but i want you to be okay, but it'll never happen." and then he fell again into a deep, dark ocean full of anxiety, sadness, lies, and love for the man whose name was Yoo Kihyun.

 _if that shithead wouldn't have hated and closed himself right away, maybe he wouldn't have died, but for fuck's sake, that's life for all of us._ Minhyuk thought to himself.

then, Kihyun broke the hug, and decided to fall down to his bed and sleep, almost forgeting he had a guest, who was _observing_ him. at least he remembered, and raised his head enough or Minhyuk to bring his attention to him. "i need more contact. sleep with me." he demanded with a serious face, yet he still looked cute though, and the elder had to _hesitate_ the fact of him sleeping with such a adorable being. he slowly crawled and layed himself in the comfort surface, and he got needlessly close to him, but not a lot either, just _close_ to him. his stomach was flipping more than a gymnast, he was nervous and a _lot_. then the other man turned slowly to see the elder's face directly. cheeks blushed and eyes shining with eager, the latter looking at Minhyuk's eyes. _beautiful._ both thought, mouth shut.


End file.
